Nearly five years ago, when my partner and I started our relationship, we were soon separated by an ocean. He went to Oxford while I was at NYU, pursuing a Ph.D. degree in psychology. The miles between us felt like a timer set to run out. We knew that we had to be realistic. We were cautious and worried about the long-distance challenge. Yet, here we are today, not just surviving, but thriving. I am both proud and humbled to say that we’ve built an emotionally and mentally connected relationship despite the difficulties of extremely limited time together. My situation might sound unique, but it has grown so common in academia that it has its own name—the “two-body problem”. If you’re about to dive into a long-distance commitment with another academic and seek some practical advice, here are the principles that have kept our relationship solid.

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The last time you studied a painting in an art gallery or museum, you probably observed its textures, shapes, size, colors and/or vibrancy — basically a diverse array of its details and elements. By the time you get home and describe the painting to your family or roommate, you probably won’t be able to recall all its details. But that’s OK. You remember enough for your goal here, to share your excitement with someone else. What remains in your memory will be the most important piece of information that you want to convey. My research tries to peek behind the curtains to see what’s going on in the brain when we form these selective memories.

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