Nearly five years ago, when my partner and I started our relationship, we were soon separated by an ocean. He went to Oxford while I was at NYU, pursuing a Ph.D. degree in psychology. The miles between us felt like a timer set to run out. We knew that we had to be realistic. We were cautious and worried about the long-distance challenge. Yet, here we are today, not just surviving, but thriving. I am both proud and humbled to say that we’ve built an emotionally and mentally connected relationship despite the difficulties of extremely limited time together. My situation might sound unique, but it has grown so common in academia that it has its own name—the “two-body problem”. If you’re about to dive into a long-distance commitment with another academic and seek some practical advice, here are the principles that have kept our relationship solid.

Make Trust Your Cornerstone. This precept should be first and foremost for any successful relationship, long-distance or not. Extend that trust not only to your partner but also to yourself. Even in inevitable times of doubt or conflict that arise from living far apart, you must believe that both of you want to maintain and honor the relationship, and remind yourself that the long distance is just temporary. Building this deep trust isn’t a single action; it’s the result of all the practical efforts you make.

Prioritize and Plan Your Connection Time. You and your partner likely will not share the same daily schedules and might not even share the same time zone. Agree on days, precise times, and a frequency for scheduled phone or video conversations. And try to make that agreement comfortable for both parties. A 5-hour time lag separates my partner and me. Unfortunately, my partner often bore the burden of that lag early in our relationship, staying up very late to speak with me after my day’s work was done. One evening, when I was 15 minutes late for our 6 PM for me, 11 PM for him conversation, my partner could not contain his frustration and anger. We talked it out. It turned out that an earlier meeting time was wiser for both of us. That way, he could go to bed at a reasonable hour, and I could enjoy time with a partner who was not fatigued and harboring a resentment.

Close the Distance by Sharing the Small Things. It’s easy to feel like a stranger when you’re not there for the commute, the lunch break, or the everyday crises. You can’t be with your partner due to school and career commitments, but you can still experience significant portions of their world. Message them when you find something interesting. Send a quick photo of what you’re eating. Record a voice memo and send it on your walk to your next class or meeting. If these little moments are not shared, the two of you could grow apart and feel disconnected, even when you manage to be together in the same room.

See Each Other: Don’t Let Tech Replace Touch. Words and images can never replace the physical presence and experience of being together. Set a goal, even if it’s fluid, for how often you’ll meet in person. As PhD students, my partner and I used our academic lives to our advantage, finding conferences to attend together or even seeking out collaboration opportunities at each other’s universities. These plans and schemes have ensured that our trips are productive and make the travel away from campus easier to rationalize, when we are under extraordinary pressure to move our research agenda forward.

Always Have a Future to Look Forward To. Talking about future plans together and that ultimate dream of a time when you will no longer live apart makes the current situation less miserable. When both of you know what the next step will be, it helps build faith in this relationship. My partner and I are committed to ending the long-distance aspect of our relationship after we graduate from our respective Ph.D. programs. We also know that factors outside of our control can change, such as new policies and position availabilities. It’s not a favorite topic of discussion, but we accept that we also might have to adjust our expectations about how soon we will be able to live together and “how far away is close enough for now”. The key is that both partners in the relationship are working together to create a future together. That process itself will help enhance your bond.

A long-distance relationship is challenging, but it is not simply a waiting game. Rather, it’s an act of constant building. By making trust your foundation, committing to intentional communication, finding ways to physically connect, and always aligning your futures, you transform the miles from a barrier into a meaningful test of your commitment. You are not sacrificing your relationship to distance; you are strengthening it in the process.

  • Author Bio: Zoe Duan is a 4th-year PhD student in the Department of Psychology at New York University.

First advice essay based on my 5-year experience. Greatest thanks to Robin Lloyd, who gave lots of helpful edits and the sweetest feedback to this piece. Although relationships are not my expertise, I hope my personal experience resonates with you and helps, even just a little bit.